Lies to Live By

Many beliefs aren't objectively true, but they're not wrong or useless, either.

My dad was a big fan of self-help guru Tony Robbins. As an executive at tech firms like 3Com and Novell, he would buy Robbins’ books by the case and give them to employees or anyone who expressed interest in self-improvement. I was quite young when I got copies of Unlimited Power and Awaken the Giant Within, Robbins’ breakout books, and though I’m not sure if I ever made it through either, I’m quite sure my fascination —bordering on obsession —with personal optimization was greatly influenced by my dad’s obsession/fascination with Robbins. 

One part of Unlimited Power that did register were his “7 Lies of Success.” These were empowering beliefs used by successful people for producing results. There was no way of proving these beliefs were objectively true, hence why Robbins called them lies. The lies are:  

1. Everything happens for a reason and a purpose, and it serves us.

2. There is no such thing as failure. There are only results.

3. Whatever happens, take responsibility.

4. It’s not necessary to understand everything to be able to use everything.

5. People are your greatest resource.

6. Work is play.

7. There’s no abiding success without commitment.

The first  and fourth lies have had particularly enduring, and complementary, value in my life. The first lie is akin to the idea of synchronicity, which I wrote about recently. Throughout my life, I’ve experienced synchronistic events similar to the ones described in my post, and per Robbins, I’ve imputed positive meaning on them, whether that meaning had any basis in fact. Related, the fourth lie gave me license to leverage things like synchronicities for my benefit, even if I couldn’t affirm their veracity or couldn’t explain why they happened. (NB: I’m pretty obsessed with understanding as much as I can, even though it’s not necessary.)      

I was having a conversation with a friend yesterday about my last four years, which have been the most difficult of my life. In this time, I lost access to my children, made an unplanned move across the country, and my professional reputation and earning power has largely evaporated. It’s been tough to form an empowering context around these events or my circumstances, yet the alternative —letting them dominate and defeat me —is harder, so empower I must. 

I’m hardly a Steve Jobs fanboy, but a quote from his 2005 Stanford commencement speech frequently flits through my mind. Jobs said:

You can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something —your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.

The mess I’m in was not planned, and I acknowledge (i.e. take responsibility —lie number three) that my actions seemed perverse, e.g. a short-lived and unsuccessful run for president. But these actions were always guided by my gut and a sense of divine purpose. Applying Robbins’ and Jobs logic to my situation, what if my gut  and God  were directing and protecting me (and my kids) all along? What if all of my travails were happening for very specific reasons—ones that serve me? What if I haven’t failed at all, even when everything seems like a failure? How could these questions transform my perspective about this difficult interval? To even ask in the midst of turmoil provides some relief. 

Is this Robbins/Jobs/Pollyanna perspective correct and true? In one sense, no. In another, it’s as true as I believe it to be and insofar as I use it to inform my actions. It’s a lie, but a useful one.

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